cabin fever

it’s been raining here in SF for almost two weeks now. i actually really love it. we moved to shasta county in 1977, in the midst of a horrible drought. since then, i have been witness to several more, and seen the consequences…low lake beds, devastating forest fires, dusty wind. i have also been privy to ridiculous levels of rainfall. a creek near our home used to over run it’s banks, turning roads into river beds, ditches into streams, bridges into boulders. i lived near the mad river in arcata during a record level of flooding, and was trapped amongst the dunes, between the ocean and town. i love it, it brings me hope that maybe, just maybe this year the fire season will be less threatening, there won’t be dire predictions come may that “rainfall levels were lower than predicted…”. so rain rain, please stay, come again, everyday.

we’ve had some pretty dramatic storms, with equally cathartic endings:

leprechauns watch TV too. (i bet you they’re watching “LOST”).

lots and lots of rain also means that making good on my secret dare has been difficult. finding a roof top to lay naked on is hard enough with limited time and a baby. throw in some hail, and the only rooftops i’m looking at are the ones i can see from my bedroom window. i also don’t want to post my secrets in a public place, knowing that within the next hour the paper will be pulpy and the writing dissolved. i decided this morning to do away with the due date. magical notes require synchronicity, and that just can’t be rushed. it’s supposed to clear up tomorrow for a day or so, so i think that may be a good time for accomplishment.

speaking of accomplishment, i found a fun website: “make a softie”. what is a softie? a softable, squeezable, smooshable doll or stuffed animal. the site contains hundreds of free patterns. all of which i think i will just have to do. a friend was having a baby shower, which proved ample reason to make Mr. Bun.

Mr. Bun also has lavender essential oil inside of him, for soothing fussy babies. he cost only pennies (and time) to make. the love in each stitch is invaluable, however.

there’s a lot going on in my life these days around uniting heaven and earth. the heaven of ideas and vision and the earth of manifestation and the work it takes. as a mother to fern, i am taking a life time of information gathered and gleaned around what children need and putting it into action. this often requires no longer having an excuse to let my impatience get the best of me, and the effort of compassion takes on acute reality when, at 2am, i am holding an infant who is alternately making my nipples raw and screaming in my face. i also have no choice but to proclaim faith that Everything will continue to work out and someway we will receive what we need. most of the time, it is, surprisingly, a lot easier than it sounds. my daughter’s welfare is a good motivator.

(mu wa ha ha ha ha)

i have a drawing, done long ago by a lost friend, outside my door. the picture would be lost in description, but the phrase above it says, “MARY HAS LOTS OF GOOD IDEAS.” this little doodle has always had a big dose of irony to it for me. i do have lots of good ideas…and it has been the rare inkling that has seen the breath of life. as soon as a new plan may arrive on the scene, it is met with 8,000 different reasons why It Couldn’t Work, Why I Could Never Do It, and All the Ways in Which I Will Fail. not to say that i haven’t accomplished the good thing here and there. but the for the most part, there is a large graveyard in my life of unmanifested dreams. i am finally getting out of my own way, for the first time in my life.

with the birth of fern, i have found that i pushed out not only a baby, but also whatever small self at my core that i used to hunker down around in protective agony. i am putting several large plans into action right now, with nary a worry or concern. they all may fail in magnificent meteoric glory, but i don’t really care. if they work, they work, if not, oh well; i’ll do something else. i am claiming with a certain amount of ferocity my own intuitive style as a psychotherapist, i am on the verge of launching a life guidance and shamanic consulting service out of my home, i am working daily on crafty bits for my own life and to sell on, and i have made a commitment to a huge garden challenge for this year. not only do i feel un-phased and un-amazed by all this, i also don’t feel stressed. with a good dose of chagrin, i have become a living breathing nike commercial: Just Do It.

in animal medicine, Hawk has often come into my life during times of transition, daring, beginning new goals and moments such as these that require the keen perspective of heaven to perceive the minute movement on earth. jeff and i have been noticing a lot of hawks since last october, two weeks after fern was born. a week ago i was driving home from a “Shamanism in Psychotherapy” workshop and thinking about all the balls i am putting into motion. i was also feeling an open tenderness in my heart. my window was down from paying the toll at the golden gate bridge, and i heard the loud crying of a hawk. i looked over my shoulder, to find that a red tail was flying along next to my car, looking in the window and calling out.

and for the last two weeks we have been blessed with a friend in the mornings and evenings outside our bedroom window.


5 thoughts on “cabin fever

  1. I’m loving all this rain we’re getting too. Perhaps the hawk is your spirit guide coming to bring you good luck with your plans for the future. Miss you. Give Fern and Leo a hug from me.

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