i couldn’t get back to sleep in the wee hours of saturday morning. i had gotten up to pee for the third time, done in by the mason jar of water i drink each night to keep up my milk supply. fern had just gone back to sleep after nursing for an hour while i held her in an upright position, shoving a pillow between my head and the wall, fading in and out of twilight. fern’s sleep schedule has been really…what’s the word here…non-existant? bad? erratic? needy? wakeful? she sleeps for about three hours in the first part of the night, and then wakes every hour to hour and a 1/2 to nurse…and she nurses for 20 minutes to 2 hours at a time. so that means i’ve been getting…how much sleep? i honestly can’t say. after waking in the morning i am aware that my mind has not rested, having run around in circles for hours in early r.e.m. sleep. i start the day with the feeling that you get (if you are an introvert) after someone has been talking at you, far beyond your capacity to sustain interest.
so i lay there in bed, and had these thoughts, thoughts untempered by the rationale employed in daytime, looming large;
i feel like my body has been hijacked for the last year and 1/2.
and even when fern is done nursing, then my partner is going to want a bigger piece of me. there will be more snuggling at night, i’ll have wait to disentangle myself after he’s fallen asleep. i won’t ever get space.
what i really need is to go live in a cave. by myself. a cave really really far away.
like in siberia. or the himalayas.
although i think it’s cold there.
so living in a cave won’t work. i’m doomed.
i guess i’m just tired, and it’s normal to need space.
and it probably doesn’t help that i haven’t seen the sun in 8 days.
in the daytime, i do what i can to sustain myself, to give myself nurturance. i turn my mind and heart from a trajectory that propels away from me, from my daughter, from my dog, from my partner, from my life, from my bills and the notices with worry in the envelopes…and i bring it back to the moment, taking a seat in my heartboat, watching the waves, washing through the waves, bobbing up and down, letting invisible flames rise up. i let each emotion speak its tune in a volume that echoes only through my bones, ah grief, ah longing, ah dissatisfaction, ah weariness, disappointment, heartbreak, anger…so you have something to say again do you? and a gift of tears too? you are small children you say? and i had turned away from you? so scary, i’m sorry. i’m here now. it’s not so bad. wait until the stillness comes….there…do you see the joyous sunrise?
here are some visions from our weekend:
20-30 people showed up for the movies, and beforehand we had a potluck. we got to chatting with two of the women who were hosting. we were exchanging the “so where are you from” part of polite conversation, when after i had said “from outside of redding”, the woman across from me said, “I’M from outside of redding.” turns out she grew up right down the road from me, not 3 miles away. we both went to the same elementary school and had some of the same teachers, but she was starting kindergarten right when i was graduating 8th grade.
Instructions for Living a Life:
Tell about it.
have a good week!