having a hard time finding my voice these past couple of weeks. in fact, i’ve found my own sense of quiet increasing, and like i alluded to in my last post, i also feel deeply withdrawn. withdrawn has a lot of negative connotation to it, and while my current state of being hasn’t exactly been a funtastic hootenanny, i don’t use the adjective to mean i’m headed for trouble. i do mean it like the way my sunflowers looked at the end of the season. heads droopy and dried, the job of the summer being done, every ounce of energy put forth into seed and all intention retreated into some place too small and hidden to be seen. i’m hibernating.
with the fall back of the clocks, nighttime arrives ridiculously early every evening. it’s 2pm and then suddenly like an hour later we are reading goodnight moon and then i gleefully embrace my “alone time” at the end of the day by yawning five times, watching another episode of ghost hound (!) and sneaking into bed by 8:30. yup, hip mama, that’s me.
8:30 isn’t that early when you wake up at 6a.m. Fern is cutting at least three teeth, and now has a cold and cough to boot, so she’s been needing a lot of extra mama time at night. as in, at 9p.m, 11, 1a.m., 3, 4, 5 and 6okfinei’llgetup.
it’s the going from horizontal to vertical that’s difficult, but once i’m up, it’s actually quite nice. yesterday, taking advantage of the alarming 70 degree weather before sunrise, fern and i went downstairs to tidy up the plants, clear out dead tomato branches, collect poppy pods, rip out zinnia skeletons and generally revitalize the growing space, to create room for winter ideas. while i did all that, fern, per usual, made a bee line for the creepiest, ickiest part of the garden she could find. in this case, it was the neatly stacked pile of empty pots, and their base container filled with rainwater (and slime! and micro-organisms! and who knows what’s living in there don’t put your hand in that AND ESPECIALLY DON’T PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH. i only said that in my head, and instead opted for exploration and curiosity unhampered by mommy micromanaging. except for the part about DON’T PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH, DO YOU WANT TO GET PARASITES..).
this morning i am trying out one of the ideas born out of The Incredible Shortage of Time that is the result of our recent schedule change. jeff got up with fern at the sticky-eyed, cotton-head hour of 5:45, and i get to use this time to write and email and research etc. if i can swing this wake-up time on a regular basis, the idea is maybe i could have a teeny tiny pocket a few times a week to blog or excercise or create miniature worlds full of little felt mice people or learn how to knit or create my etsy empire or become an ecotherapy genius….or maybe just have a cup of coffee unhampered by a 1 year old daredevil, trying to scale mommy mountain to stick her hand into the scalding lava vat of sweet and steamy morning brew.
do you have a morning ritual? if you are a mommy, how have you carved out your foot-holds of sanity?
it’s extra nice when my bleary eyes are rewarded with a sunrise like this.
have a good week lovers.