As promised, I have some golden oldies to show you. But what initially was an idea for some silly fun became a little more complicated once I started searching for photos. Some were already in an album, but others were stashed away in envelopes and boxes. Mixed up with people and places and loves and losses from so many different parts of my life, so many different selves…I found myself unguarded for such a submersion in the past.
In the days following the birth of my daughter, I was utterly disoriented. Not from lack of sleep, or physical recovery, but because I couldn’t find myself. It is still something I don’t quite understand and have a hard time explaining even to me. The experience was primarily a visceral one, I can see it in my mind’s eye, I can feel it, but there really aren’t words. As if the place where I used to reside was now empty. A hollowness at my center. Like a bomb had gone off, or something once tightly curled had expanded outwards, the place where it once was, a negative space. With the entrance of my child into the world, the boundaries of my self had also rippled into the world to enclose her.
None of this is bad news, yet the process was slightly melancholy in that the expansion also included within it a severance to who I used to be, and so there is a little bit of sadness, a little bit of grief. I remember thinking at the time, “But I really liked who I was!” And so the trip down the rabbit hole this morning had a similar result, as I found myself at age 5, at 12, at 16, at 23, at 29, at 32…I thought, “I remember that girl. Hey, I really liked her and what’s more…I miss her.”
So here is one facet of the diamond, a blink of life. Right now my little girl is 16 months old and tomorrow she will be 16 years old. I feel nostalgic for the woman I was, yet there is no going back and no time to look back, either…I must go forward, paying attention to every second, because it will all be over before I even know it.
I realized as I got the pictures out to scan, that what really defines my highschool years were my friends and our shenanigans. Most of it, however, falls into the category of “You had to be there”. Theatre geeks, in love with english punk and goth, replaying in our lives movies like “The Lost Boys” and “The Princess Bride”, united in our ostracization and discomfort in a redneck town…it was good times.
Ok, enjoy…and get ready to have a good laugh.
(Bummer, you have to click on the vid to watch it on youtube. Well, while you’re there…if you’ve never really listened to Bauhaus, give them a go. Into theatre, surrealism, they were goth before there was such a thing. Also, If anyone knows how to upload music files to wordpress…)
Have a good weekend.