Fern has a Brother

Comedy and Tragedy, animated. Fern was being a grumple because I was taking pictures instead of pulling the wagon.

In the past I have alluded to a complex family situation that I couldn’t really talk about but that weighed in heavily on our ability to make future decisions, especially regarding where we will live. Well readers, now you can probably deduce. I still feel I should keep things on the downlow, but recently there has been enough of a shift that I can at least include the whole picture. After a year and a half of negotiations, Fern’s brother, Leonithas, now gets to come over to our house and have several weekly visits. We have been waiting for this moment, expecting it to usher in a brand new sparkling world. We didn’t take into account that the brand new sparkling world would contain so much uncharted territory as to be utterly overwhelming.

For two parents stretched thin by lack of sleep, finances, toddler antics and tight schedules, we are struggling to find the time to really process what it takes to begin to blend a family. How can we most consciously, and most lovingly, foster the beginning of a solid sibling relationship…one that is not magically starting of its own accord? What is my role in this child’s life? How do I find the time to integrate the care of another being? How do I step back and allow bonding to slowly unfold, without feeling like I have picked up a nanny job? How can we make sure that in our attempts to welcome her brother, that we don’t leave out his sister? And there just aren’t enough words to describe the friction this has created in my relationship with my partner.

As ever, I hold hope. As ever, I keep the understanding that the universe cannot be micromanaged, that often all we can do is set a course and hoist our sails. As ever, I know that seemingly impossible things can happen in the blink of an eye.

That said, I would love any feedback, advice, helpful commentary from other parents/families that have dealt with blending families and/or nurturing healthy sibling relationships. Also, donations of brownies, sparkly things and bottles of wine might help too.

It’s spring! What else to do but make room for more life?

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4 thoughts on “Fern has a Brother

  1. Being a foster child a have a little insight to what your going through. First, it’s not going to be easy in the beginning. You need a lot of patience to pull this off but I know you can do it. My foster mom raised six kids, (seven if you include my foster dad), and still managed to finish her college degree. If she can pull that off, you can pull this off. The beauty of the universe is it’s like a menu, you place an order and wait for the universe to deliver. The key is to focus, not force the universe to shift in the way we want it to. If it can be imagined, it can exist. We just have to be patient enough for it to happen. Timing is everything! Without that, nothing happens. There’s a couple of old sayings I’ve picked up: “Today is a good day, better than yesterday.” and “Every day, in every way, I get better and better.” I repeat these in my head whenever things start to get stressful.

  2. i left YOU a long reply here this morning. where is it? i was in the waitng room of max’s vision therapy. using my phone. i guess that’s not good enough. can you just intuit it please?

  3. no. you don’t have to do that. i’m about to want to just call you. but no. not ready for that. ha. i jsut can’t write more right now. but tomorrow. love

  4. How is it all going? I have step-siblings whom i loved as a pre-teen/teen, they are girls (women now) and i already had four brothers so i was happy as a pig in mud to have new girlfriends. nowadays our relationship is almost non-existent, i moved away for several years, and was a shitty teenager…my step-mum didn’t really care to foster our relationship you might say. What i can say….is…. at the young ages that Fern and Leonithas are, the benefit of childhood enthusiasm and love of friendship are on your side. My children adore their cousins….it makes them feel closer to those little people, simply because they know we share the same blood, and family history. From my experience….i think ….that your littles will develop fondness for each other….naturally, moreso as time goes by. It helps for them to see how much you and your partner care for each other – and how much you care for them as two little entities, ensconsed under the same-ish family umbrella. Tx

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