Warbler

I have found myself tongue-tied as of late. Not that it keeps me from speaking. Rather, I sometimes find my mouth running amuck. In groups where I normally feel reserved and shy, I am speaking without reserve. In part, I am self-encouraging, since I am finally embracing the idea that a good part of my path is about The Word…written and verbal. The writing part has always come much easier. Speaking has been a huge challenge for me, and my old pattern was to remain as invisible as possible, only speaking after I made sure I had “taken care” of everyone else, and even then, only saying that which I knew would be unthreatening. Now that I am editing less…even thinking less…before I speak, afterwards, for days, I am cringing and wincing over imagined, unintended, impact. My role has always been that of the listener, and far more rarely the speaker.

In part I am excited…the concept that I can offer my thoughts without prior approval is revolutionary for me. I am relieved of much of the tension I have often felt in relating, especially in groups, over feeling heard. A heavy heartedness that often came when I didn’t offer my personal inspiration is dissipating. Along with this comes unease, as I finesse the balance between adding to community and stepping back to make room for others. The Old Way was to step out of the way completely, so now that I am taking up more room, it is hard for me to gauge if it is “too much” or not.

The only reason this can happen right now is that I am part of several lovely and compassionate communities, whose members have done enough interpersonal work so that they can take responsibility for their experience, creating an atmosphere free of blame, and no egg shells to walk on. Added up as a group, it means that there is a lot of spaciousness for everyone to step into. In the therapy world we talk about “the container” and it applies to what I am speaking of here. The container for the group is held by each individual, and in my current connections, that container is large, with a strong surrounding boundary. The individual is free to unfold and unfurl within the gracious arms of the larger whole.

When new members come into a group, or when there is a large turn over, my experience of myself becomes different. For a time, there is a period of feeling unsure and a little less safe, until once again the container firms up and new strangers become trusted friends. I am realizing that as a blogger, it feels like that container never quite firms up all the way. Many of my readers know me in real life, and others I know well virtually. Then there are new comers who I extend a certain amount of trust to, since they were attracted to the morphogenetic field of my little corner of the internet, following the bread crumbs left by other trusted blogging souls.  There are also those who frequent my pages but are silent, and to you I extend that certain amount of trust as well, since I imagine you wouldn’t come back if this wasn’t a cozy space for you.

We all know the pitfalls of putting anything out there on the web. It potentially will be there “forever”, to be used against us by any creepy or ill mannered schmuck. What I share about my life becomes public property. I would be well advised, then, to choose my words carefully, only offering bite sized morsels that are palatable to all. Not such a great option, for someone who 1. Uses her blog as a spiritual practice, to bring forth into expression that which would otherwise remain in the imaginal realm and 2. “Palatable to all” is far too familiar of that old Modus Operandi that I am trying to shuck.

Thus, why I am tongue tied. I have been going through a rich, deep, and often painful, process since Leo died. It is literally changing the foundation of my life. His passing and my subsequent realizations will be reverberating into my future, in perpetuity.  There is so much I am learning. losing and gaining simultaneously, that I would love to share it’s richness. However, much of it would definitely seem “unpalatable” to some, even just in the sharing of darker emotions. My feelings are also still so tender, that it feels far too big of a risk to expose them to an internet community whose members I don’t truly know. This is the crux for me…I DO know some of you, even just via our blogs and emails and I would love to bring you in closer. I am realizing that this may just be an unsatisfied desire, until that gorgeous day when we meet face to face. This blog cannot be the container.

What is Terrallectualism if it is not “in reference to my style of writing which, regardless of intention, always contained the element of deeper personal understanding through relatedness with the natural world.”? I write from the seat of my heart. Trying to withhold pertinent details silences the birdsong of my soul.

So I have some figuring out to do. Perhaps the first step was to speak of the unspeakable, creating a bridge over an internal canyon. There will still be photos. And stories, recipes and inspirations. There will be musings and calls to action, and ways of weaving us all together. My hope is that I can also find a way to share the song of myself from inner space, in a way that continues to feel safe-enough.

Each of us plays a part in the music of the spheres.

 

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18 thoughts on “Warbler

  1. Hello from a fellow warbler, and leaper of virtual canyons. But.. I dint always leap. Sometimes I stare down there for so long. Meditating, intuiting, praying, divining. I trust you love. And I am crazy inspired by your process of coming out and braving the fear of speaking your present moment truth uninhibitedly. CRAZY inspired. I hope you find acway to continue being raw and exposed here. Cuz that’s how I know you abd how you know me. Cuz we brave the fear of self-exposure so often. however, if it’s not time to expose, it’s not time and it’s super important to honor that knowing. I love your process. I love leo’s spirit and how it’s deepening and expanding you. Love. Love. Thank you.

    1. “cuz that’s how i know you and how you know me.”. there is so much love and respect and warmth and kinship in that statement…thank you heather. talk about containing and holding!

  2. i have always found your voice here to be sure, steady, wise and warm…whatever topic you address, be it personal, political or spiritual. didn’t you once say the meadowlark is your favorite? how appropriate for you. the word, the song, full of life and hope and dynamic change, capturing the moments of nature and self in a sweet and ever-shifting web. and of course, unpalatable, the dark, the not-beautiful are all part of this incredible web as well. i trust that your journey for speech and sharing will be a fruitful one for you no matter what direction you take, and, like always i thank you for sharing this first bridge. i so love your cosmic view of the world and our connections!

    1. holy smokes, you just paraphrased my whole post with more beauty and articulation in one little paragraph…thank you for “getting it” and knowing that you find my words warm, coming from you, queen of the joyous heart, is quite the compliment.

  3. Oh Mary, when I read this the first thing I thought was how much I would like to sit down and have a coffee and a chat. Sadly an ocean separates us, but if we ever make the journey across the seas no doubt I will drop in to your corner of the world! I read this blog nodding to myself in agreement, as someone who also takes the path of least resistance at times when it comes to speaking out I understand completely the feeling of feeling safe to talk about your opinion, without fear of being immediately “shot down” by negative thoughts and words and it’s wonderful that you, who have so many wonderful things to say, have found a place to share them (though of course I look forward to reading what you have to say here as well!)
    Also, as a fellow Doctor Who fan, when I see “music of the spheres” I immediately think of the Doctor Who series with Martha Jones…

    1. i had a wee visit to your blog last night, and i get what you mean…similar currents running through your life! so i encourage you as well meghann, to let your song notes fill the air.

      thanks for catching the dr. who reference! boy do i miss david tennant.

  4. Mary, I am so greatful for all Your words, even more now, that I know a liitle bit more about the risk You take.
    Maybe it’s beyond words at that point, but that gold cobweb connection is healing and full of hope to me. Especially, when You talk about darker and more difficult things. Strangely, it’s comfortning.

    Lots of love from the South of Poland (which means the East of Europe). Is it too nosy to ask where Your ancestors come from? (I mean, back when they were newcomers from the Old World).

    1. beautiful aneta, and your words are comforting to ME! thank you.

      i love that question! as far as we have traced, my ancestry is primarily the british isles….lots of english and scottish, a tiny bit of welsh and irish. i went to england and scotland in ’93, and was shocked to see my facial features on so many strangers’ faces! felt like coming home. xo

  5. The ability to speak without reserve is something I have longed for my entire life. I’m inspired to hear of how you are crossing that bridge. It gives me hope. I’d love to hear as much of the song of yourself as you feel safe singing, the darker notes included ❤

  6. Hello again ….I’m sitting here reading through some of the posts I’ve missed and reading this one I wanted you to know..well you probably already do know, that I’m shy. Naturally so. And introverted. So much of my existence was spent listening and watching people LONGING, YEARNING to speak, but not knowing what to say….. In fact, I remember opening my mouth to speak, then hesitating, smiling and closing it back up. Eventually things had to change. I started to speak by pretending to be confident and just stopped considering what i was going to say before it poured out. I know, it sounds bizarre and impossible, but in effect, I was practicing to behave like an extrovert. And now I find, I’m not as afraid anymore. I also don’t think about what I’m saying, and i do say extremely inappropriate weird sh*t sometimes – because i just didn’t get time (or give myself permission) to process it first. It is much free-er this way, it means i can meet people and make friends. And those that genuinely like me, accept my differentness, are amused (or ignore) by my verbal faux-pas and know that i come with caring intentions. But hells yes, cringeing and wishing away what i said ….let’s say….i know those feelings too well. my journey into speaking freely happened out of necessity, i was in the middle of high school when we moved countries…and knew that if i didn’t acquire the ability to join in, the aloneness and sadness i already felt had the potential to consume and define me.
    Anyway, i talk too much on your blog, this is your space and i’m hogging it. i just wanted to share with you.
    x!

    1. teeny! you do NOT talk too much on my blog. this is my space and i offer it up for conversation, so i want (and need) to hear from folks, from you.

      a friend recently said to me, after i apologized for screwing up some scheduling, “oh no! you’re human! what a relief, now i can be human too”. that sense of just letting oneself be imperfect, flawed, awkward and trusting that we are still lovable anyway, that those who care will just find us endearing or not even notice, is so key. you really nailed that, and also how freeing it can be, to not edit, to just trust that we can make contact, and then clean up whatever “messes” we make. it’s heartening to know that i have a friend on the journey with me. xoxo

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