I’m Looking to Become not the Pray-er, but the Prayer.


I finally really listened to Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros 2012 album Here and I have fallen in love. This song lights me up.

Happy 2013 dear hearts!

Rather than a resolution to-do list, or even a singing of intentions that may or may not see themselves played out, I have what is emerging Right Now. These are trends, inklings, perspectives and movements that I am curious about. It’s the tip of my iceberg, what I can run my hand over just above the surface of the water.

Photos from our Del Mar beach walk on Christmas Day.
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True and deep self love is permeating further each day into recesses previously holding only sorrow and hurt. With this, I am feeling more trust, more ease and less fear.

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For years I have been trying to fine tune the dial so that I can fully hear the station of my soul. This past year the static has cleared up considerably. While it still feels shakey and revolutionary, far more often the self that is at the helm is one led by inner wisdom, intuition, heart speak.

I finally understand what is meant by the small, quiet voice. Oh…that one.

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There has been a coup in the government of my mind. The Critic is stepping down, taking with him The Victim and The Perfectionist.

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This past holiday season found me making deep peace with Christianity and finding it’s truth living in me. I am able to recover spiritual sustenance when it is not distorted by shallow priests and their revised texts, instead listening to my own inner knowing.

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When I was in highschool, I experienced my first major depressive episode (didn’t we all?). At that time, I began collecting dragon figurines and writing poems about them. Recently I have located that source of fire, power and will…and discovered her suffering at being chained. Now I have unlocked her restraints and am mounting her back. This is a time of discovering how to keep my seat in the midst of navigating anger, rather than depressing everything in association. Like a certain dragon we all know, she has been curled around treasure…to access one, I must respect the other. No shame for having a temper. Only compassion for the little girl that has been lost without a guiding hand. I’m here now.

New Year’s Eve
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We watched the fireworks from our couch in the sunroom.

I used to have an auto-response of secrecy and fear whenever I would try to speak to the sentience of animals, of plants of the earth itself. That internalized, dismissive voice has been relegated to the back of the bus. I have work to do in this life and I am a champion for The Other. Time to get to it.

New Year’s Day
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We made brown rice Mochi, an auspicious thing for the new year. It will be our new go-to instead of baked goodies (No more chocolate chip muffins, sorry Missa. 🙂 ). Anyone interested in a recipe?

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After three years of seeing them Every. Day. I am integrating the lessons I have been learning from the hawks. Using keen sight to observe from objective heights, rather than my previous myopic mousiness. Finding ease with living in flux (finding, still not totally there). There’s more, that I keep close to my chest, some teachings about Love.

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That’s a pretty satisfying accounting. What can I attribute it all to? Well, many things…the natural progression of aging, my work and community as an Ecopsychologist, my rockin’ women’s group. And…

This. You. The incredible circle of writers, kindred spirits and friends that I have found through this often maligned activity of blogging. Your gracious feedback, support, and WITNESSING has been prime in helping me to hear and trust in my own voice. I am so grateful for all of you. And this year I plan to show it. You better watch out. 😀

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I love my god, god made love
I love my god, god made love
I love my god, god made hate
I love my god, god made hate
I love my god, god made good
I love my god, god made good
I love my god, god made bad
I love my god, god made me

But I don’t wanna pray to my maker
I just wanna be what I see
Not just who I am, but the pink in golden land
And that wide wild sky over me
Help me to the sun, hey I’m looking everywhere
See I’m looking to become not the prayer, but the prayer.
And now I don’t wanna pray, no
I say I don’t wanna pray, no
I don’t wanna pray
I don’t wanna pray

I don’t wanna pray to my maker
I just wanna be feelin’ free
Not like in a book, or the leaves of trees that shook
From a word that means only not a thing
Pardon god and mom, what I’m sayin’ isn’t fair
See I’m looking to become, not the prayer but the prayer
And now I don’t want to pray
I don’t wanna pray
I don’t wanna pray
Who don’t wanna pray

Not much good to talk, better to walk it
Not much good to take, better to give
We are gone forgiven and forgotten of our sins
I promise you my friend all that dies will live again
Pardon god and mom, what I’m sayin’ isn’t rare
See I’m looking to become, not the prayer but the prayer
And now I don’t want to pray
I don’t wanna pray
I don’t wanna pray
Who don’t wanna pray

I love my god, god made love
I love my god, god made love
I love my god, god made hate
I love my god, god made hate
I love my god, god made good
I love my god, god made good
I love my god, god made bad
I love my god, god made me

E. Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros

What are you unfurling into mid-winter?

14 thoughts on “I’m Looking to Become not the Pray-er, but the Prayer.

  1. I love this. It makes me wish I’d waited instead of rushing to make a list for the new year. I love the beautiful person I’ve been getting to know, your singing spirit, and so look forward to another year (and many more than that) of learning you even more.

    The last two days have been a doozy. A real tangle of emotions and notions surfacing. What a way to start a new year, damn.

    I saw two hawks today and thought of you.

    Love you. xoxo

  2. Whoa girl. I’m tripped out by how identical some of this post seems to what I was thinking yesterday and how much I resonate with it. I wonder if this might mean that 2013 is the year of the spiritual (since 2012 seemed to be the year of the physical)? Maybe we did experience that shift in consciousness after all 😉

    In some ways I feel the opposite. I do want to pray. I’ve been quieting the small voice in my own head that speaks to “God” and I want to pay more attention when “God” “speaks back to me”. So many quote marks…But I think we’re actually discussing the same thing. Trusting one’s best inner self and bringing her forth. Trusting one’s gut. Trusting one’s direct line to the Universe.

    I’ve been so grateful to have space, to have a space to explore these selves through writing. But more importantly I feel like finding your blog, really has helped me to feel more confident about expressing the wild, mystical side of my soul. Upon first reading your posts, reading through your archives created a powerful “I’m not crazy and I’m not alone!” experience for me. You’ve taught me so much. Thank you. Happy Merry. Love you.

  3. Lovely post, Mary. I am impressed at how you always make time for the most foundational things. One day maybe i will again too. But it’s good to know some people – like you – are doing so!

  4. I love everything you have to say here. Refreshing, honest and raw, as always. That’s why I keep coming back. 🙂
    Also I’d love the brown rice mochi recipe. I have no idea what it is, whether it’s sweet or savory, but it looks crispy and delicious and I DEFINITELY need to get away from the baked goods that I’ve been hoovering nonstop since oh, around the beginning of November.

  5. Mary,
    You’re voice rings out like a bell. I feel so lucky to have access to it over these interwebs. Happy 2013 to you and yours. Looking forward to all you have to share over the next year.
    XOX,
    Veronica
    PS- I echo Milla’s sentiment about your blog helping me to express my voice. You are leading by example for sure.
    PPS-Fern’s New Year’s dress is awesome, as is Raggedy Anne!

  6. Strikes a cord with me, I remember when I started to hear the voice, I remember when and who introduced me to the fact that there was a voice! Mostly I listen to her (the voice that is) sometimes I don’t…..always a work in progress, it’s quite a journey isn’t it. Happy new year. Jilly just loved seeing fern in that dress. Made out of pure love just like raggedy anne.

  7. I keep forgetting that it’s Winter there. You make Winter look so joyous. Hard to believe that it is cold except for the telltale of Fern’s blankie wrapped around her and her little noggin. You know…..I loved the part where you mentioned embracing your dragon self and how you believe in the sentience of animals….Mary, in your last blog post i wanted to mention that I had been kayaking with seals and one in particular I held a gaze with….it seemed to have soft seeing eyes, I felt like it saw me for who I am….and you came to mind. I didn’t write it because I felt like a retard. But now i know i can tell you without seeming too crazy. “discovering how to keep my seat in the midst of navigating anger”, please write more on this if you can….I find anger adrenalises me, but also makes me so confused and flappy……i don’t look on anger as being a negative emotion, but I do feel dangerous with it…regretful of my words. Anyways.
    You are wonderful. Thanks for all of YOUR support in this internetland.

  8. Could ya get any cuter on that Golden Gate Bridge? Love your colors and the snuggliness of the knitted cap 😉 Before I started in on this comment I went back and read our last emails to see where we left off and to re read about the experiences that turned you off from God as a youngin. I am very excited for you that static is clearing and the still small voice’s volume is getting louder. I’ve had a some very cool experiences over the holidays that just add to the continual reassurance that faith is not as tricky as we make it out to be, and that handing things over takes them off your plate and opens us up for a chance to receive (not just physical things). I love how you went about welcoming the New Year- looking inward and reassessing. For some reason I haven’t been blogging much (hardly at all) and don’t really wanna either! May be just a phase. I always go back and forth with it because I know without these blogs, we wouldn’t have met… or any of the other sweet gals, but I wonder how much of myself I wanna share with the entire world!?! In any case, my voice doesn’t want to be projected in cyberspace right now. And I don’t have resolutions, and no new goals. I’m like a bah-humbugger of the new year- haha. But I’m not upset or bummed or anything negative. I’ve put hard work in over the last few years (blood, sweat, and tears) and this year feels like the year of riding it out and rolling with the punches. Not fighting, not struggling, just doing and receiving. hahahha I have to much to say. I’m switching to email now! haha!
    ps. Your beach comber is incredibly cute toting that seaweed around! HAPPY 2013 to you!!!!

  9. this is all so very good!! yes please I want that recipe!! as long as it can be made gluten, dairy and mostly sugar free…. goals goals… no more food that I know is bad for my body…. xo m

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