When I was 10, my family went on an epic road trip.
We took our time driving across the U.S., picking up my cousin in the Southwest, and continuing eastward. We did a little bit of sightseeing, but mostly it was a series of highways, roadside diners (we were on a quest for the best cheeseburger), motel pools and reading in the backseat.
Maybe you can relate to this…there was often a point during the day, when I would wake up from a nap or dog-ear my page and look up to find a changed landscape. It was always a little big startling to realize that while I had spent all this time inside my own skull, outside the world had been going on…a present moment happening all around me while I was buried in oblivion.
When I think back on that trip, I still remember parts of it vividly, especially the freedom to relax and just float down river, or the highway as it were. It was like a period of dreaming, or incubation, and then we drove into camp and the best summer of my childhood began.
I am right in that moment, the moment of putting down the book (that summer it was Watership Down) and looking out the window to discover that cornfields have turned to rolling green hills. I’m feeling a little shook up and disoriented and absolutely unsure of what may lie ahead. Unclear even of what my part in the game needs to be, or where I should be placing my focus.
Beyond the present moment, I mean.
We have been househunting again, but I hardly even want to talk about it on here. Last year’s lost house fiasco taught me to keep my mouth shut. We’ve been looking, thinking we’ve found, realizing we have not. We are wondering about dates, about how to transition out of master tenancy, about the lines between sacrifice that is worth it and sacrifice that is just too much. If I write anymore about it, I just want to devolve into ranting about the unaffordable clusterfuckiness of it all. Meanwhile, we are living in limbo and it is unsettling.
As well, I am wondering about this blog. About just what it wants to be. I’ve been a little uninspired for it lately. I have the urge to write, but feel a little disheartened about this space. Not for all the loveliness that it has become, or the amazing friends I have made, but for a certain sense of arbitrariness that I get. Like, if I’m going to be spending so much time on something, couldn’t that time be better spent on writing for my professional blog and furthering my work? Or turning this space into a more appealing one by getting sharp on just what it is I offer here? There’s also this piece about all my various labors of love just turning into labor, and something is whispering in my ear that I really should be getting paid for more of what I do. I am also considering taking my botanical musings and ecospychology gleanings and saving that muse for my pro blog. But then, what does this space become? About family life? My inner world? Craft projects?
What I am realizing, is that my work IS terrallectualism. I do ecopsychology because of this. The two are inseparable. However, they MUST be kept separate, because of the ethical and legal considerations of the BBS. My clients cannot become privy to my private life. So I feel like my choice is to squirrel away in this little corner with you all, or go big and bring more of my heart to my professional persona and writing. I don’t have enough energy to do both. My muse is a sprinter, not a long distance runner.
At any rate, nothing is status quo around here right now. I have no answers. Let’s all eat pie.
Fresh Strawberry Pie with Gluten Free Pecan Crust
For the crust, I made a variation of this crust from Oh She Glows. The only change I made was I subbed 1 cup walnuts for pecans.
For the filling:
3 cups sliced, fresh strawberries
3 Tb arrowroot or cornstarch
1/4 cup brown sugar + 2 Tb maple syrup
juice of 1/2 lemon
pinch of cardamom
After the crust has prebaked and cooled, spoon in the filling. Back at 350 for 50 minutes. Let cool so it sets…or don’t. We stuck it in the freezer for 15 minutes.
First we had little artichokes, and then we had strawberry pie. We called it dinner, and it was good.
(Thoughts on times of transition with blogs, professional life or anything else?)